I write this in the hopes of possibly helping at least one person through their troubled life, giving them the knowledge that they're not the only one finding life such a struggle. You're not alone.
If not,then this blog to me is the best and cheapest form of therapy that money can never buy.
Remember in the beginning of Spring I announced that 'changes' were about to happen ?
A season later I'm here with an update.
It's now Summer and my life is still yet looking rather bleak, if not worst.
This can easily be deciphered upon recent events I shan't disclose but nonetheless has left me feeling extremely low.
I admit, I am an extraordinarily sensitive person. I've never met anyone quite as sensitive as I, and I've met a LOT of people (considering I've lived in Singapore,Malaysia and England the past 16 years of my life).
With my awfully immense trait of sensitivity comes my equally detestable trait of being unforgiving and forgettable. I forget the things I find so 'unforgiving' but yet remember the pain it caused me.
To top it off, I am an intense thinker.
I 'think' more than I 'speak'. Which you may think is very wise hence the saying you must of been taught by your mothers when you were little, '' think before you speak''. That rule however should not apply to me.
Considering I'm always thinking about the other persons feelings and emotions on top of my own based on how I'm feeling at the time and how I want them to feel, my words/actions doesn't always seem to be the smartest thing to say/do.
I suppose I think so much I get yelled :
''Don't you ever THINK, Theresa ?! ''
''Why aren't you THINKING?!''
'' What's going on in that head of yours?! ''
''Think, Theresa, THINK!''
'' You need to start THINKING ! ''
so many times it comes across as I'm not thinking but I promise you, I am.
I'm just misunderstood with my cluttered thoughts.
I don't mean to do any wrong. I don't mean to make any mistakes. I don't mean to fail my exams. I don't mean to cause trouble. I don't mean to be problematic.
Forgive me if I cause harm ? I didn't mean for it happen.
I spend so much of my time just thinking I often find it hard to verbally communicate with people. I can't distinguish between my thoughts and real life. The number of times I have something intelligent and worthy enough to say, but do not know how to say it, is endless.
You might be asking me a simple question and I will be thinking about what you're doing while you were asking it and wondering whether you really meant to ask what you asked or you just asked out of small talk or if you're genuinely curious. I will also be trying to think of what you're thinking about. Taking your facial expressions, eye contact, body language and tone of voice all into consideration before I give you an answer that I deem acceptable but yet not truthful .
I'm a nuttah.
I've self diagnosed myself as that and have self prescribed myself with chocolate, alcohol, tobacco, ice-cream, cupcakes and sleep all in moderation and not in absurdly unhealthy excessive amounts to make me feel an inch better.
I've dyed my hair.
Brushed my hair.
Worn make-up everyday.
Dressed in the name of Vogue and Fashion History.
Painted my nails.
All in the bid to make me slightly happy. It works, temporarily.
I'm in pain.
But most of all, I'm scared.
With the constant repercussions of my past failures pulling me down I can't help but wonder if things will ever change for the better.
I'm living in a labyrinth of my past where my academic grades dictate my intelligence,social circle and future.
In a world of 7 billion people all competing for a job that would afford their dream house, car and lifestyle, where will I end up ? Out of the 7 billion people, I'm a malfunctioned, flawed, temperamental, lost 18 year old without an ounce of clue as to what she wants to do with her life.
I don't stand a chance in this great big competitive world full of intellectual academically talented people.
All I know is that I just want to be happy.
I've had ambitions, goals and careers I wanted to pursue but stopped striving when I found out I'm not capable to grasp them. I've been told countless of times to be 'realistic' and surprise,surprise to ''think again '' making me seem delusional and over ambitious. To be told you cannot do something you only dream of doing is disheartening and hurtful. Hence has left me in the lost and mental state I am in now. I cannot stress this enough, I am only 18.If I want to be over ambitious now's the time for me to do so, since I'm young and alive with my whole life ahead of me. My teenage years should be full of never ending 'trial and errors'. It's better than doing nothing and taking drugs . But like I said, I'm lost. I don't know where to begin to strive again after giving up.
If my academic grades define my intelligence, well then yes, I am stupid. My exam results would tell you that I'm not the brightest bulb in the box, I'm thick as a brick, just backwards.
In a society where it is believed that academic grades are imperative to success, then I suppose I am set up to fail in life. I am not an academic intellectual but I believe I am talented and have the abilities and skills that I will never be able to learn from a textbook. Nonetheless I'm pursuing an education in subjects I excel in. It may not be in calculative subjects such as Economics and Physics but they are subjects where my talent,personality and creativity can shine through.
'' If a cluttered desk is a sign of a cluttered mind, of what, then, is an empty desk a sign ?''
- Albert Einstein
Some may say my wild imagination, excessive thinking, ludicrous thoughts,regrettable and preposterous actions are a reflection of my stupidity but I assure you they are indeed a consequence of my mad mind.
''I'll take crazy over stupid any day '' - Joss Whedon
I'm 18 and I'm only young once. Dramatic I may be hence this blog post I believe this misery won't last forever.These melodramatic emotions I'm feeling now , I will probably not feel again in ten years time when I'm mature and have bills and a mortgage to worry about instead.
I want to be happy, living freely and spontaneously without an ounce of fear,responsibility or care in the world. I try to, some of the time. Just not 365 days a year.
As forgetful,unforgiving,dramatic and crazy I am, this blog post will remain on the internet till I'm 100 years old (if I'm blessed enough to live till then) for when I look back and tell my grandchildren stories of how I was a messed up, dysfunctional, confused and scared teenager with many mistakes and questions about life and its purpose.
I can be vivacious and loud one second but depressingly silent the next. The 18 year old me is still trying to find herself amongst her chaotic life and insane mind. I don't really know who I am at the moment.
I'm growing, just bear with me.
I've accepted my life will always be unprecedented with it's momentous highs and lows.
Eventually,I'll stop disappointing.
In this gargantuan world where I personally don't think I fit in anywhere, I've found this place I can call 'home' , this blog on this miniscular spot on the internet. My blog. The Lovely Jubbly.
Even if nobody reads it I love it enough to continue writing on it. It's a place for me to revisit my memories and feelings in years to come. To be able to share it is a privilege.
I started this blog only a couple of months ago, but yet I already have 2000 readers. Thank you for visiting. I do hope you'll stay with me along my journey of life.
Maybe in ten years I'll be sane and happy with a career I'm in love with.
Or maybe, this time next year I'd be a millionaire !
'' This time next year, we'll be millionaires! '' - Del Boy
We'll have to wait and see.